Happy Belated Father's Day

I've played many roles in my life, and around this time of year, I find myself reflecting on my role as a father. Although I am a father of not just one or two but three wonderful children (all under the age of five) I certainly don't consider myself an expert on fatherhood. (I hope when someone does become an expert they will be kind enough to give me a call.) At the same time, I do bear the scars - albeit fresh scars - of all that I've learned over the past five years. Although many of you who are fathers may have more years of experience at all this than I do, I do feel comfortable sharing my thoughts about being a father because it's the most important thing I will ever do.

When I began this essay, I thought it would turn out to be light and kind of fun -- which it could have been, because there's no doubt that being a dad can be incredibly fun. I quickly found myself growing serious, however, because what we do as dads in today's world is very serious. I apologize if this essay is a little on the more serious side.

First, I don't think it's possible to talk about being a father without talking about the moms. Not just because having and raising children is a team effort, but because mothers deserve enormous credit. I have confidence that all of us fathers would figure out the parenting thing if for no other reason than the survival of our species, but I can't help but notice that thanks to the moms our learning curve is so much shorter and less frustrating. I still may not have grasped certain basic parenting fundamentals like the fact that there's a little plastic insert that goes into those "sippy cups" so they just don't spill like every other cup. On the other hand, I do think we are a little better than we get credit for.

This is a good moment to thank my wife, who is just awesome. We have three amazingly wonderful kids and it wouldn't have been possible without her - in every sense. Although I do more than just follow her lead, she does set the tone for our family and she understands better than anyone what our kids need to know, and what they should be doing -- and when. (Do any of you guys really know when a kid should be potty trained? I know I don't!) Mothers (especially my wife Lizzy) clearly know what's best for our kids -- and not just around the house, but also with respect to the children's personal development. My wife has certainly proven this, not just as a first time mom, but with our second and third children as well. It's clear that she carried more of the load, and I don't mean just because she is the mom. (All along the way it has all been done with a smile, a few well-deserved cross and frustrated looks at me from time to time, and an utter devotion to our kids in her heart.) Although I make every effort to be an equal partner in the parenting process, my condition means I can't do what a typical dad does all the time, especially when our children were infants. I am lucky to have her, and our kids are even luckier. Thank you, darling!

It seems to be a parenting tradition to declare that we want to give our kids more than we ever had, but I don't think this idea or concept works today the way it used to, and I don't think that this should be our goal. This has been the measuring stick in our culture of our success as parents and a measure of how we as a country are doing. I think that looking at ourselves and at our country with this in mind is bad for two reasons. First, I'm troubled by the idea that my success as a dad depends on material possessions - and the idea that each successive generation deserves a little more "stuff." If my brother and I were given the family Grand Torino station wagon when we turned 16, then my kids should get a Lexus wagon or at least an Audi - if we buy into this "giving them more" concept. This emphasis on materialism also reinforces a sense of entitlement that is pervasive in our world and, unfortunately, in our kids. I don't blame them, of course. It's our fault. Speaking of cars, so many teenagers these days expect to be given a car when they graduate from high school. I hate to break it to these young men and women, but you're actually supposed to graduate from high school - even if the keys to a new car are not dangled before your eyes as an incentive.

I am now beginning to see and believe that it's not my job to "give" my kids more than I had, but to "give" in another sense. By that, I mean I believe it is my job as a father to give them the support, the time and the lessons I can pass along to help them develop the skills, tools and resources that put them in the position to have more than I have - if that's even what they want. I've come to understand that I can offer this support by being involved in their lives, parenting them with love and patience, and sharing my experiences, values and perspective with them. I believe another job I have as a father is not to tell them who to be. If my children look at me as I am leaving this earth and say, "Dad, thanks for helping me to become who I am today," then I did my job. It's not my job to tell them who to be, what they should do with their lives, who they should marry, and so on. I will willingly (even when I'm not asked) share my opinions, perspective and experiences with them. I feel a true responsibility to do everything I can to help them live a life they are proud of and to support them in becoming hard working, respectful, and self-confident adults who recognize the importance of helping others. I hope my kids look people in the eye when they meet them, develop good character and values, open doors for women, give up their seat for a pregnant woman, know better than to sit on the sidelines when they see something is wrong, and I also hope that they grow up to be good parents themselves.

In today's world, in which kids are forced to grow up faster and make difficult decisions earlier than previous generations, our role as fathers is even more critical. Our kids will make mistakes and that's not an excuse, just reality. Hopefully, we can keep our kids from doing things that will cause harm to themselves, others or affect their lives long term.

I certainly don't pretend to have all the answers and obviously will not even try to cover all that we do as fathers. If you were to ask me right now, however -- knowing what I know today -- what the future holds for our kids and how we can best prepare them for the future, here are a few things I would focus on.

Personal accountability. Don't bail out your kids. We need to teach our kids that they are responsible for their own actions or inaction. Too many adults are way too quick to call a lawyer when something doesn't go our way, and unfortunately we do the same for our kids. We're far too quick to call a coach when our kid doesn't make the team, to call a teacher when our child gets a B on their report card or to call a child's boss when he or she doesn't get promoted. Yes, I know that one for a fact. When things don't go the way you might like, your first reaction ought to be and say, "Okay, son or daughter, we need to work a little harder." Give your child a hug, tell them you love them and are proud of them, and then spend time with them. We do them no favors by fixing a situation for them. I think we all understand why that's true.

You can do anything. I want both of my older kids to think like their little sister Mary Kate, who is 21 months old. She thinks she can do anything that her older brother and sister can do. If they climb up on a chair, she thinks she can climb it. If they jump from the third step on the staircase, she thinks she can do it too. This attitude leads to a few bloody lips and bumps and bruises, but we all need them. The world can be pretty cynical. Sometimes our own experiences get in our way. If we've tried something and failed, or others have, we all tend to say, "Why bother?" I often jokingly say, "Thank God I had never been paralyzed before I got paralyzed at the age of 24, because I may not have signed on for what I got myself into!" Getting back to my old life wasn't easy, and all the experts said it was impossible anyway. Let experience inspire and educate you. Don't let it be an anchor around your neck.

Be opened minded. I firmly believe that everyone has something to offer -- an opinion, an experience, or a perspective. You may or may not agree with that perspective, but you should at least listen. This reminds me of my days at Penn State, and especially of the time I spent as part of my fraternity, Fiji. I lived with 50 guys, and I didn't agree with each and every one of them all the time. When I agreed with a fraternity brother, it was fine. When I didn't, it helped me better understand myself. The disagreements helped me figure out who I was and what I believed in.

Image. There's no doubt that we live in a world that first looks at appearances and then quickly forms a judgment of you before you even open your mouth. We live in a world in which some parents allow children who are teenagers and even younger to have non-essential cosmetic surgery, just for appearance's sake. It's a world in which adults judge themselves harshly, and fear about being judged by their appearance. With all of this, how can we possibly teach our kids it's not about appearance? It's a challenge to teach them that the world will ultimately see you as you see yourself, and the most important people in your life (like family and friends) don't care how you look. When I got hurt, my physical appearance was changing - beyond just suddenly becoming dependent on my chair. My hands were very weak and my fingers curled in. With no abdomen muscles, I was already beginning to get a gut. Before my accident, I was a decent looking guy with a runner's body type. I was a very social, outgoing, and self- confident -- a high energy guy who was always in the middle of everything. Suddenly, my appearance was changing. I didn't know how my personality would be affected and I didn't know how I would be seen or accepted by others. I wasn't so worried about being judged by my family and friends. I was confident that my new appearance wouldn't change anything in terms of how they saw me. But what about the people I'd meet in the future - the people I wanted to meet, the friends I wanted to make, and future colleagues? How would I be seen and treated? I realized very quickly that people would see me as I saw myself and respond accordingly. If I saw myself as a very social, outgoing, high energy guy in the middle of everything, who just happened to be in a chair, then that is how I would be treated -- and not long after my accident that's exactly how people began to see me and treat me. I believe people admire and respect people who are comfortable in their own skin, who realize it isn't all about appearance.

Try things. I am guilty of being a creature of habit, to some degree – especially when it comes to things like food or going places. As a result of my accident, I think that habit has been even further reinforced because of how my body reacts to certain foods now and the challenges of accessibility and convenience. Sometimes it's just easier to go to the same sandwich place for lunch because of accessibility. Now the vast majority of places are accessible but maybe not quite as easy to get around in, for example, so often we go there. I am not as worried about the food and places, as much as I am concerned about the mindset I'm demonstrating for my kids and the example I am setting, because they don't know what they don't know. They can't experience things if they don't know there are other things to experience. If you and your family can't visit other places, attend certain activities because of cost, distance, accessibility or other reasons, then expose your kids to these things via the internet, books and even television. Let them see what is out there in your own home town and outside of it, and encourage them to be curious and explore

Now. I think today's "on-demand world" is warping our kids' sense of reality about the world. As adults, we don’t help with this and don't always set a great example. We have the kids' favorite shows "Tivoed," so not only can they watch the cartoon "Little Einsteins" or "The Little Mermaid" when they want to, but they can pick which episode -- and then get annoyed when they can't do that on the kitchen TV. We need to teach our kids that the important things in life are not only worth waiting for, but worth working for as well. We need to instill in our children that if they want success and happiness in life, it will take patience, trial and error, and hard work. Already, I see that my 3- and almost 5-year-old seem to be quick to drop something if they can't do it right, right away or get what they want. I realize it is unfair of me to jump to any conclusions, because of their young ages, but if we don't emphasize the importance of practice and patience now, who knows where this might lead.

These are just a few of the main things I try to focus on as a dad. In closing, I offer one more piece of advice. Remember, in the end you are always on stage. Your kids are watching you, more then they are listening to you. (In my house, this is evidenced by how many times I say, "Please don't hang on the towel rack!") If your words don't match your actions, your kids will see it. If you are lucky, they will call you out on it – and you can make a little "course correction." You should actually be more worried if they don't call you out on any inconsistency. Remember this quote, "Character is what you do in the dark or when you don't think anyone is looking."